No Excuses

So, yeah. It's been almost a month since I posted last.  I have no excuses. I've known I had to blog, I just never got around to doing it.

I'm going through a tough time. 

First, you know how everyone now a days is all about "Love Yourself". " Be comfortable in your skin" blah blah blah.   Well folks...I'm not. I can't stand to look in a mirror these days.  I hate what I see back. I find nothing appealing.   That depresses me and then leads me to hating myself more....on and on.  

I look at other "big" girls and they seem so comfortable with who they are. They look cute in their outfits and all that. I don't see myself in any of them.    I put on an outfit and I get compliments and I thank the person, but I'm like "WTF? What do they see?"  Seriously, I wish I could get in that "Comfortable in my own skin" mindset...but I can't. 

So part of my self loathing has been related to not wanting to blog.  I have no pearls of wisdom. I  have no positives to share.   I just hate...me.

FYI. I haven't gained or lost a pound.    I've continued going to the gym. I'm pushing myself to walk more....pain and exhaustion and all.....  So i'm still chugging along. Just not as well as I wish I was.

Another issue as of late, my back.  It's not the same pain as it once was.  This is a lingering issue from back when I made all that progress.   When we went on our vacation and had massages, my masseuse even commented on the issue with my back.

My back muscles are very very tight...a knot is in the middle of my back that the masseuse couldn't work out during the time we had. 
It has since gotten worse. I wake up with my back so tight or cramping that it's severely painful.  It makes walking difficult on the days it really wants to be a pain...I try to push through, but I can't. 

I begged Rich to give me a deep massage today--as much as he could. I screamed through most of it as my skin and certain areas of my skin are very sensitive....but I screamed through it all as he loosened what he could.   I feel soooooo much better, but it's still there.

I've recently began searching for somewhere to go for a therapeutic massage.  I need to start going to get this taken care of.  I can't go on like this. 

So May has been a really cruddy month for me.  My will this month was very diminished...but I trudged through--pain and all.  SO we're going with the no weight gain as a positive.

Tomorrow is a test though. It's another NK concert and I'm hoping my back doesn't seize up during the show........


I'll try to do better .....

Going Backwards

Hey.  sorry I haven't posted. I've been doing some overtime at work and that is just knocking me on my butt.   I've been in bed at 7:30PM a few nights, struggling to stay awake.
I didn't even make it to the gym once last week.   As I said, exhausted.

So....
I haven't gotten on the scale lately because that's the last thing on my mind.   However I know I need to really kick it in gear.

We have returned to the one park near us to start walking again. Nothing says out of shape like barely being able to finish one lap.  My back really hurts and I just was pushing it.   This was with us doing the smaller loop. 

We did go again this morning and did the bigger loop, but it was still a chore.   I also feel myself starting to feel like I did when I first got ill 5 years ago.   I ache all over and just am plain exhausted.   Besides heading to bed early, the only difference between this time and last is I'm still fighting.

My back has been acting up on my walks, but I'm pushing through.  I am hoping to make it to the gym again this week.  I need to schedule time with a trainer to focus on some core exercises.

This weekend was warm and sunny so I worked on some of my landscaping. That was a chore -my back aching- and my body just aching in general, but I still did it.   I just need to plant a small tree and find some new lights and I am all done with my landscaping.    So as you see, I am trying to keep myself active.  

It's hard.   I don't know if the feelings I'm having are due to the stress I've been under or something I'm not eating /or am eating.  

Right now for example, I'm just done.   I wanted to go to bed hours ago, but I forced myself to stay up and do something.  I grilled some chicken for dinner.   Just had a bit of OJ that I've been craving.
I hurt all over and just want to stop right where I am.

Being over 40 and trying to lose weight and stay healthy is a struggle.  I'm still fighting and still mad at myself for getting to this point but I'm still fighting. 

I had wanted to walk the pups again today, but I think we're good. They're snoring away next to me and I'm trying to finish this up to crawl into my nice bed.

Step wise, I think I'm around 10K. I haven't hit my 12K goal yet but anything over 10K is good.

Hoping to keep it up this week.  What am I going to do when I go back to classes?  I'm going to be ran ragged.

Just keep fighting I guess...