No Excuses

So, yeah. It's been almost a month since I posted last.  I have no excuses. I've known I had to blog, I just never got around to doing it.

I'm going through a tough time. 

First, you know how everyone now a days is all about "Love Yourself". " Be comfortable in your skin" blah blah blah.   Well folks...I'm not. I can't stand to look in a mirror these days.  I hate what I see back. I find nothing appealing.   That depresses me and then leads me to hating myself more....on and on.  

I look at other "big" girls and they seem so comfortable with who they are. They look cute in their outfits and all that. I don't see myself in any of them.    I put on an outfit and I get compliments and I thank the person, but I'm like "WTF? What do they see?"  Seriously, I wish I could get in that "Comfortable in my own skin" mindset...but I can't. 

So part of my self loathing has been related to not wanting to blog.  I have no pearls of wisdom. I  have no positives to share.   I just hate...me.

FYI. I haven't gained or lost a pound.    I've continued going to the gym. I'm pushing myself to walk more....pain and exhaustion and all.....  So i'm still chugging along. Just not as well as I wish I was.

Another issue as of late, my back.  It's not the same pain as it once was.  This is a lingering issue from back when I made all that progress.   When we went on our vacation and had massages, my masseuse even commented on the issue with my back.

My back muscles are very very tight...a knot is in the middle of my back that the masseuse couldn't work out during the time we had. 
It has since gotten worse. I wake up with my back so tight or cramping that it's severely painful.  It makes walking difficult on the days it really wants to be a pain...I try to push through, but I can't. 

I begged Rich to give me a deep massage today--as much as he could. I screamed through most of it as my skin and certain areas of my skin are very sensitive....but I screamed through it all as he loosened what he could.   I feel soooooo much better, but it's still there.

I've recently began searching for somewhere to go for a therapeutic massage.  I need to start going to get this taken care of.  I can't go on like this. 

So May has been a really cruddy month for me.  My will this month was very diminished...but I trudged through--pain and all.  SO we're going with the no weight gain as a positive.

Tomorrow is a test though. It's another NK concert and I'm hoping my back doesn't seize up during the show........


I'll try to do better .....